Hey, just thought I would thank you for your reply to my post.Sorry it took so long I have been reading in the forums everyday, but I couldn't remember how to repost to you. Like I said I am new to all this stuff. My husband works 3rd.So he has not had a chance to get with me on it. Anyway, as soon as I get my licence back I plan to go to some meeting and get me a sponsor. But until then I have to make do. I personally think I am doing good. No urges or anything. This is actuallly my second time cleaning up I just got clean the first time to get my kids back. Not for the long hall. I was still very angry inside and that is something I don't feel this time. The anger, worry, and just plain stressed out. I feel like I have finally learned how to lay my burdens down and leave them there.Nothing can ever be as bad as were I've already been. I had a lot of time to think in jail, all the women in there would say.How can you be at peace in here? Well I just knew it would not last forever, but I wanted to take something out with me so nothing like that would happen again. All those people that use that place like a revolving door. They never learn that the life style they are living is not a good one.
I thought the first time I had hit a bottom. But until I met meth I didn't know what a bottom was. I have so many scares on me that look like cig burns its unreal.Even users didn't want to be around me.I didn't care what I was doing to myself at the time I just wanted more.And went to all extremes to get it . You said it sounded like I had a good husband. You wouldn't believe what I have put this man through these past 5yrs.even had a child by another. He accepts all my children as if they were his on. How he has the love for me that he does neither of understand. But I THANK GOD EVERY DAY for not letting him turn or give up. We have been off and on for 16yrs. married 5yrs. Most of which we were not together, all I want now is to live my life with him and my kids and let God's will be done. I tell you if I can come through all these trials and still find some peace in mind anyone can. My life nor anyone elses that drugs has gotten a hold to is no bed of roses.

One song goes through my head all the time My Child.It's about God dieing on the cross for our sins and satan keeps bring more accusations to him.But God says That My Child she is forgiven and she is FREE!! That song has worked for me so much you just would not believe, then again you might.

Hi, I to am new to this site . Meth and pills were all my down falls to . I have lost alot of material things.I also have to get my kids back for the 2nd time but I know its going to happen. No I don't think we are ever actually cured from this thing . One day at a time is all we have. I love this site knowing I am never alone and yall are just a few key strokes away to understanding. Like you said you have a lot of shame and are scared. My shame does not effect me in the way that it use to but it is still there. The devil knows that is a weakness to bring me back were he want me. You don't have to feel that way. No one of this earth is perfect. We all fall short of God's Glory.Just pray on it and reconize it put it in its place. You never know were the roads of life have taken the next person so don't beat yourself up ok!

One thing that helped me was journaling. When I wrote something that I felt needed to be addressed to the counsalor, or someone that could help me to understand those feelings, I read it or let them read it.It took awhile to learn how to express how I was feeling or why to anyone.I just felt they wouldn't understand or they would look down on me. I have overcome this by just knowing I have done some bad things but so have others. My story may be bad but some have had worse. Your story is important to all of us cause things you've experianced can help someone else. I think we go down our roads for that reason. I wish could have made other turns and better choices but I can change the path I took just the ones I am more subject to take now.So please open up to if not us someone and get that junk out of your trunk. Until you unload it, it will be harder to recover. Good Luck to you!

So at age 20 I met this guy not long into our relationship 1mth to be exact we went and bought a new trailor and set it beside his parents. I was totally crazy about him. Well he liked to party but I didn't know how much. Until he started putting his friend before me. See he was doin more than drinking which at this time was I knew about. After a few times of me wanting him to be with me and not his friends. Not partying and stuff you know he told me his friend come first and I would leave before them. That stung bad. So I wanted him one way or another I started becomeing his party buddy and our home became the pary house.Not long well about 2yrs. realy he introduced me to loratabs. I liked that what started our half or whole a day wound up a several hundred dollar habit a week. Somewhere in that time his friends and him got me to do crank and cocain. My life was not my own. We fought so much it was not even funny. We even fought over tylenol when we were feening and could not find anything else. The two of us had two kids together and back and forth for 6yrs. No we are no longer together but I do still hold very strong feeling for him. But what I thought was love was nothing more than lust. We did have some good times but those good times had some high prices. My son was 3mths old when I caught him smoking crack people told me he did this but he was up front about the rest why did hide this. It took me seeing it to believe it.This happened before I started on anything. Point is I risked myself in some very bad an dangerous ways to try and please this one man whom I thought LOVED ME. Being with him and being introduced to the ways of the world nearly killed me and made me to were I didn't know who was anymore.He is in the pin now and want us to get back together. I am married I am not going to loose a good loving man for him to ruin my life again. He must realy think I am coo coo uh.I once was I done everything to get his attention and to get him to want only me. I became a monster in addiction for him. I use this term cause that's what he would say I made a moster out of you.

To add a little more this was 10 yrs ago. I just got out of my 2 nd rehab for pills and meth.Tring to get my kids back for the 2nd time and have been clean for 7mths. Been in jail, homeless,almost died once I woke up in icu.Not knowing I had flatlined. Not even that though scared me into stopping at the time. I have terrible scares from using meth.That have to look at and get questioned about all the time I tell people the truth about were they come from. In hopes that if they ever come face to face with stuff, they will remember me and not pick it up. I do think of myself of a pretty girl don't get me wrong. But meth did do it's damage to me. I blame my so called ex. love for introducing me to the life I come to know as addiction. Before this I would have never thought my life would've turned out this way.To do things I have done to get high. To treat people the way I treated them. To steal from my mother. And most important not being the mother I always wanted to be. Yeah I still have the chace to get my kids back once again. But God forbid I ever use again I have to get it right this time. There is alot of differance in me now. Things that have changed about me that I did not change before when to rehab. So I hope to talk to yall out there stay clean and God Bless Us all we need all the help we can get.

Ok, maybe not their responsability but, they say change your playgrounds and playmates . All my old friends use.So in tring to find a good church and members that care. I don't want them putting their self at risk. Just to have some new people in my life that I might have differant conversation with, than were to find what. You know! If we can't find some support there as well then, well that just makes me feel like I can't reach out at all to them.I know everyone does'nt and can't understand were I've been.But being in the church shouldn't they reach out a little more to help us grow in our spiritual recovery. I am only responsible for me as they are for themselves. But maybe the church needs to be more like the Na and AA it would help the church to be more honest and willing to give a helping hand. In that, I know I have powerful testomony but to share in church, well to speak to people who may not understand frightens me alot. Yeah I should not let there opinons matter but I don't want them looking at my past. I want them to see who I have become.But yet my past is made me who am today, and am finally happy with me.Na can not go into spirualality and give the understanding I need. So yeah I don't think it would hurt the church to reach out more.

I' ve had my kids taken! The most important thing life was being a mom.Everyone says I am a good mom,so why take them.Finantually, I could not take care of them.But yeah, I think what needed to be done was nessasary for me to focus on me.I still was able to see them but I was a mess and could not make decions for me let along try to raise 3 small ones.They cry alot wanting to be with me I have tried to make them understand what has happened the best of my ability. And assure them we will be a family again. I hated those people and my family for taken what the 3 most important people in my life. But it took me getting clean to realize what a mess I was and didn't need them to see me in that shape. Sometimes that is the only to get our attention don't you think?

Couseling can only help if you want it to . I think you get out of it what you put into it. If you go in ready to unload and figure things out I much think it matters which one you talk to. But if you go in and hold back for whatever reason it is going to make hard any couselor to help you.

I have to go to counsaling I am in a low income brackit to where all I pay is $2 a session and I get my med. free.
So there are programs to help with finantual aspect when there is a problem. You just need to ask around. I do think we are all in need of help if we plan to stay clean.

Well I introduced myself in New to Recovery. I have since made several posting that I have only had 1 reply to since I have started. So maybe if the site was made we may have better responses to the new comer.I feel coming in here to get responses and some conection to someone is important.

I to am about 80 or 85. I haven't felt this good and complete in very long time. I never want get off this track I am on.And that emotional rollercoster man I can do without taking that ride to.

I have often wondered how we are suppose to be treated for any serious injury myself. Cause for myself personally I can't get perscribed that stuff I will not be able to take just one I know that. I sure don't want to be on the road I just got off of again. So how are we to deal with any surgeries or pulled muscles..

yeah thanks for the info. I didn't know about this til I read it just now. How long has Sept. been recovery month is it something just started. I couldn't agree more with yall more, that if more people knew how much it has cost us in all areas of our lives maybe more people would listen and never use.It is a no win situation from the beginning.I also hate when people think of addiction as a weakness.If it were just a weakness I think I would have overcome it long ago.

Do you have anyone you can trust to give you your med. in moderation? Also I hear there are new med. out now that are not narcotic that can help just the same . Maybe talk to your dr. about that. Narcotics is a powerful drug that can take a very big toll on you if you don't do something right away. I understand you are pain. I don't like to be in pain personally but being addicted to pain killers, I know some other root has to be available for me. Good luck on this and let me know how turns out.

I find myself telling most anyone where I came from. I am starting to wonder if I can be to open and honest. I just want to be straight up with people who try to get to know me , and well a few that could probably care less. I tell it with out thinking realy. What do you think?

The very first step is admitting you have a problem. I do think you need to talk your doctor .But I must say this, I have lost my kids 2 times. The first time I got help it was for the sake of getting my children back home with me. I was not there for myself and it did not work. I relapsed 11mth. later. Loosing your child is a very scary thought. But I hope you can get help for yourself for more reasons than her. I know that sounds harsh but it is true the main reason needs to be yourself. Does that make sense to you?

We admitted we were powerless over---,that our lives had become unmanageable.
"Enough"!If you can say that and mean it, you can take Step One. Is there something out of control in your life?
Erratic emotions? Dependence on alcohol or other chemicals? Overeating? Whatever the problem, is it hurting you? Have you tried to handle it on your own? Are you tired of hurting?If you can answer YES to these questions , you are admiting that some aea of your life is unmanageable and you are powerless to control it.
For most of us, step one means TO STOP KIDDING YOURSELF. Stop making excuses, pretending, blaming, rationalizing. The problem is real and the problem is mine--not my mate's, not my bosss's, not the hard cruel world's. Other people may very well have problems related to mine, but they'll have to take their own First Step. We're talking about ourselves here. How we behave right now, today. How other people treat us is not the issue. Why we do as we do is not the point either. As far as the First Step goes, why is a fool's question. Not only can why lead you down a garden path of rationalizing, but it doesn't matter. We are who we are. We do the things we do.What is hurting my life, and whose problem is it? That is all. What? Now it is time to name your DEVIL .Only you know what it is that is riding your back. What is it that clouds your vision and throws boulder in your path? Lay it on the table and look at it. To call out the truth of your own limitions is to resign as your own jailer. If you want out of your cell, look your problem in the face, call out its name, and the choice becomes yours. Because from here on in the recovery process, the only truth you can't deal with is the truth you can't face. Who? Who's tried at one point or another , to get on top of the problem, to throw a scarf on it and say it's pretty, to whittle it down to size, or to slap a band-aid on it. Who? It's your life my friend. Claim your own truth so you can do something about it. Until it hurts more to hide the truth than it does to face up to it we aren't ready to get better. And until we admit that we are both powerless and that certain areas of our lives are unmanageable we aren't ready for the freedom trail that recovery is. HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH

Stay open minded and suspend judgment for now. What is important to understand is: If we can control what goes on in our minds, then we will have taken a big step towards controlling what goes on in our life. To change from stinking thinking and behavior takes a lot of courage , patience and work. Only you can make you change. If you blame others for getting in your way or pulling you back, you are not going to heal. You are responsible for you.That puts you in the driver seat.Although at times it is uncomfortable we may no longer think of ourselves as helpless victims

I was reading back over my forums, I wanted to say I am sorry for contradicting myself to those who have read them.In one I say, I talk to most anyone who will listen. Ok this is true to some extent I guess.For the exeption of church. I don't feel people's opinion matter much exept for when it comes to them. I have not went to this church though but a few times so I have not realy gotten comfortable. I do want to give my testamony. But there is that fear that afterwards, they will have that in their head and not be able to exept me for thinking the bad stuff. Now in one on ones, or in group therapy counciling I have no problem I want those people to hear it and don't care if they exept me or not.Until reading these forums again I did't know how much fear I still have, with being wanted in this church or any other for that matter if I choose against this one.I am going to say until I go a few more times and see if I want to commit to them I will probably hold out and when I do speak out see how they react as to weather I want to become a member. So far though I like it very much I don't want these people seeing these flaws when they look at me.This fear though I have to get over cause if I don't tell them up front and it comes out later I don't want to be hurt by them. Not saying that all will reject me but I know there will be those who will.

yes, I know that I didn't have to apologiz but I feel better that I did. Thanks for replying. My main objective here is to get to know yall on the level we have here. I would very much like to go to meetings but that just isn't doable at the moment. When I get my license back I plan on going with bells on. I know that is something I didn't do before,and I feel it is very important that I go. I am going to outpatient and mental health. Even that though I know is not enough. Hey eshaw, what did you do about the medication deal. What desion did you decide to go with or are you still taking the matter into your on hands. Just curios of the outcome.

I just want to say good luck and I will pray for you. I hope all goes good . It will be no joy ride ride at first just stay strong,and determined . If you can seek cousiling it will do wonders to.

All I can realy say is stay on top of it. I'm sure you know the signs to look for if it starts getting to bad.If the thoutht of are you takeing to many of the pills keeps getting to you then maybe you are rationalizing.Because I know I use to say one more aint gonna hurt, then before you know it,your at a point of no return. Not without help anyway. My pills use to get prescribed at one point to. The thought well the dr. gave them to me, it just made easier theres that new bottle sitting there well I am sure you understand what I am getting at.Just use extreme caution ok.

I know rheumatoid arthritis is very painful, I hate you have to go throught that. I very much agree things are alot more simpler thanking God for what he has blessed us with. Instead of concentrating on what we don't have. My father was a bad alcholic.He died at the age of 38 of a heart attack.The life he lived his body could not keep up. So I am happy you gave it up keep up the good work.May God Bless You!!