I feel for you - I was a pothead growing up, and have continued off and on through the years, other than the 7 years I was sober. I have been struggling with alcohol since then, mostly, for the past - almost 11 years now, ugh. I've been to rehab twice in that period - once just for 8 days (insurance) and once for 2 months. I drank a week after I got out. I really want to stop, but I also still have this addictive thinking about pot. I just don't buy it anymore - when I have, I smoke it till it's gone. The last time I smoked was at a concert (Grateful Dead offshoot) in Jan. Before that, I think it was last May. I've stuck to "just" concert smoking, maybe a couple times a year. I have tickets for the same band in concert this coming Tues., and I've been really looking forward to getting high. So much so that I keep putting off stopping drinking, "knowing" I plan to get high. But reading this is making me think twice. Hang in there - you sound ready to stop - one day at a time..

The "will" thing is tricky, I've found. Have you ever heard the statement, "Trying to just 'stop' is like trying to hold in diarrhea"? Sorry if that sounds gross, but I GOT that. Will has nothing to do with it. It's surrender - and that's where I've had the problem. Everyone who knows me well says, "You've never surrendered." And I get that, too. Sort of. I just don't know if I know what "surrender" looks like, feels like. But then, the times I have truly from my heart asked for help, I do believe that I surrendered - so I sort of do know what that means. I'm just having a hard time duplicating those circumstances - they just sort of "happened," in my past. And it was brutal. Does that make sense to you? That's one way rehab is helpful. It breaks the habit in that you just - stop. (And you don't die, believe it or not! In fact you feel so much better - you forgot you could feel that good...) The trouble is, it's not a real-world situation, and when you get out, you're - bam! - back in the real world, and that's the tough part. You have to deal with all the real-life crap you didn't while you were away - your job - if you're lucky enough to still have one, or looking for one if not, and your creditors, and legal stuff, if you have that. It's a cruel deal. I've been to rehab a bunch of times, and every single time I have left feeling so strong and optimistic - but then the real world hits, and I freak! It took me taking a year out of my life to just focus on recovery to get the 7 years sober I did have. - I don't know what the answer is. Some people walk into A.A. off the bricks - or Marijuana Anonymous, which they have now, too - and they're able to stop and stay stopped. Others need a higher level of treatment. One thing to remember though is that if you even are just willing - as opposed to having the will - just be willing - to walk into any anonymous meeting or counselor's office, you're so far ahead of the vast majority of addicts, and your chance of making it  jumps astronomically.

I'm actually loaded with will. Despite growing up in extremely challenging circumstance with a raging alcoholic dad and then drinking and using myself to escape, I graduated cum laude from a tough academic high school, where I also played sports year round, edited the school newspaper, studied three instruments, served on social service and yearbook committees, worked 35 hours a week at a waitressing job - and had a serious boyfriend. I went to an Ivy League school on a scholarship - and continued to party, but still graduated with a high B average, played sports and worked on the newspaper and various committees. Despite the fact that I continued to drink and smoke, I managed to go to a top grad school and get my master's degree, and built a solid career. Also in there I quit smoking; developed a dependence on prescription drugs after a serious back injury playing sports; kicked that, and kept pushing, till I just flat-out crashed out - a couple of times. I went to rehab a bunch of times, worked my ass off at my recovery - no one ever said I didn't work hard enough or have enough will - and built my career back up again. I've had numerous sobriety stints over the past 20 years, the longest being 7 years, but I still hang in there, and still have a job - though I'd like much more. But whatever, I'll never give up.

Are you an addict, Cowboy? Have you been there, and back? And back there, and back again?