What a weird Valentine's Day! Last
night my boyfriend of 10 months confessed to me that he has a drug problem with
crack cocaine. To say this came out of left field is an understatement, but it
also helps some strange behaviors fit into place. He apparently has been
smoking crack once a week for the past two years. Before that, he had done it a
year, then stopped a year.
This information is blowing my mind.
He holds down a professional job and is a caring, attentive partner. I think we
bring out the best in each other and have an easy, sweet rapport (we're both in
our early 40s). He's a good man. When he told me, I did my best to be
supportive, nonjudgmental, and help him create a plan for action to get some
help. He said he'd never felt so ashamed or vulnerable or afraid in his life.
Basically, he'd blown the day, leaving work yesterday afternoon to go smoke
himself into oblivion, after already pulling an all-nighter. (He finally
admitted to himself at that point that he had a real problem and decided he wanted
to stop for good.) He hadn't told one person about this. Ever. Until last
night.
He talked to his boss this morning,
who was incredibly supportive and guaranteed him his job (lucky man!). He's
spilled all to me. We've gotten him some phone numbers to call and hopefully
he'll call them. I realize, in many ways, this is out of my hands.
The reason I'm writing is, while I
want to do everything I can to help, I'm also left with a weird feeling of
despair about this whole situation. He's not who I thought he was. When he
called and periodically canceled on me before, or fell asleep at my house at
8:30, I just wrote it off as annoying, but still acceptable behavior in a
relationship. But something had also been gnawing at the back of my mind,
something that felt like it stood between us. I couldn't put my finger on it.
Now I have.
He's admitted that he lied to me at
various times when canceling. He's trying hard to be honest and take
responsibility. He's thrilled and relieved I'm being so understanding. Again,
I'm concerned and afraid for him and want to help. But the prospect of facing
the potentially long hard road of rehab with someone is not what I thought I
was signing up for. Addicts relapse. Family and loved ones often stand
helplessly by, blurring the lines between personal responsibility. I'm afraid
this is what I'm in for, and yet, I'm not going to bail on him either.
I love him, he loves me, I want to
be there for him. I'm aware that there are lots of resources for both of us.
Just wanted some words of reassurance for my sinking heart.
Does this ever go well?