Hello,

 

     I am a male in his 40s and have always maintained multiple relationships simultaneously since I graduated high school.  I typically maintain two relationships and at times three.  In addition, I always seek out new relationships even if for just one night.  I am a college grad and very successful in my career.  Keeping multiple relationships is extremely hard and most would not even do it.  You constantly have to tell lies, make excuses, and sacrifice time with friends and family.  I have been doing this so long that it seems easy, but it not.  I am a type of person that can’t stands to be alone, even for a night.  I am currently married and have two other full-time relationships.  I have been married over 10 years, one girlfriend over 4 years, and the other one 1 year.  The relationship of 1 year is coming to an end.  I think.  If you would ask me if I loved any of them the answer would be yes.  Can I love more than one person?  Most of the time I end up with women of good moral character, but the girlfriend of one year is what many of my friends call “trailer trash”.  I have thoughts of ending all the other relationships to be with just her.  I don’t even know if I can do that.  I have made a list of Pros and Cons and she does not score well on the Pros list.  But, I still can’t let her go.  If I would be with just her I would have to make a lot of sacrifices.  She would not be one I would ever take around some of my friends, social activities, and definitely not any work related activities.  Even knowing all this, I still want to be with her.  Am I finally in love?  My goal for many years has been to find “one” person to love and have a relationship.  This now just seems like a fantasy.  I would like advice from someone who has lived a similar life.  Also, I am tired of this lifestyle but do not what road to take. 

I use to date around A LOT in high school and the beginning years of college.  I definitely know how to get girls, it's never been a struggle before and I have confidence that I can eventually win over any girl.  After I met my current girlfriend, it all changed however.  I started changing who I was as a person. I no longer had the desires to give these other girls attention.  Although it's fun, but the feelings I had for my babygirl lead me to despise attention from other women.  I didn't want to give them that night out, the texts/phone calls, I only wanted to be with Katie.  I think I let myself fall completely in love, and all of the other desires sort of drifted away. 
A couple months ago she broke up with me, I think there was that level of trust that was missing, and eventually the level of respect.  I started dating immediately after.  I think it was my way of not dealing with the post break up.  I was still so so in love and still wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.  Katie and I are back together now and I don't feel the need to tell her that I was with other girls 'cause we were broken up and mostly because I know how much it would hurt her.  It would literally strip away the deep emotional feelings she has developed for me.  I would lose the level of respect and that innocent love that we share.  However, I made the decision to drop all of the girls that I messed around with, not because I'm not interested.  I still think about them and still want them sometimes but the love I have for Katie is true, and to me, not worth throwing away.  I know how much it would truly crush her as a human being and may very well ruin the rest of her life, emotionally.  I just can't do that. 

C,
I read over your thread a few times and I'm confused what exactly you're asking advice about.  You say you're wanting to spend the rest of your life with the (trashy gf) but that you're also wanting to drop this double life that you're leading.  I wonder if you've ever thought about if these women are leading double lives also.  Why are you so certain that your own wife is not cheating on you.  How would you feel about that?  Knowing that she's equally giving another man attention.  How would you feel if one of your girlfriends were cheating on you?  I think when you marry someone, it's for life. They become your family, and your responsibility to take care of them emotionally, care about their well-being and love them.  How would you feel if you gave your wife an incurrible STD and took her life.  What gives you the right to play with someone else's life, when they have no clue about the double, mischevious life you're leading?  You said that you can't stand to be alone for even one night, why don't you spend each night with your wife?

Oh my.. I didn’t even realize I was leading a double life until a dear friend of mine pointed it out to me. I had been telling him pretty much everything that was going on in my life (I was really stressed out), and he noticed something strange – he had never heard of half of the people and places I was talking about, and I was describing two completely different lifestyles. He mentioned this, and I simply took the information in without doing a thing about it.

Things have gone to an extreme since then. One life is pulling me in the direction I thought I was going in, and the other is pulling me in the direction I’d rather go at this point. Both are too demanding to allow the other to continue, and it makes me very sad. I actually enjoy leading a double life. It’s nice and tidy – there’s a separate time and place for each set of activities and each set of personality traits to really shine through. I really don’t think I could find a balance any other way.

It would be nice if I could find a way to bring the two lives together, but they’re so radically different that it would be near-impossible. It’s not just my friends’ personalities that would clash, but mine would as well. There’s no way this could possibly go smoothly, but I have to try.

C have you ever been cheated on before? Do you have any idea what it feels like? When you've been cheated on even when your crazily in love with the person you cant ever forget about it and it will bother you forever. Even when the person didn't mean anything to you it will still hurt you that you were played. Imagine how your wife must feel. For 10 years its all been a lie. I think her finding out would literally kill her. I think the reason your so caught up with your trashy gf is because she's something different for you. And your saying your relationship with her is about to end, you always want what  you cant have. But personally I think if you decide to spend the rest of your life with her you could be making a very big mistake. Never leave the one you love for someone you think you love because they will always leave you for someone they really love. I think you should stay with your wife. enjoy her, spend your time with her instead of your girlfriends. Love her, you devoted your life to her when you married her now make the best out of it. Be faithful to her and focus everything around her. She didn't do anything to deserve this and I think you could be a much happier person if you allow yourself to love her, only her, and be faithful to just her.

I really appreciate everyone's response.  This is why I'm here.  First off, I know that what I am doing is wrong and would not like it done to me.  I am not sure why I do this because I have a wife that most men would love to have.  She does everything for me.  I know I'm stupid.  Yes, I have been cheated on a few times in my life.  But, not many.  The trashy girl has cheated on me. The relationship has ended with the T. Girl.  I do know that I am better off, but I do miss her.  Mostly the sex, because we did not have much in common.  Am I just addicted to relationships or the need to be wanted?  If I understood this better maybe I stop this behavior. 

C.. I think you're right about the fact that you need to understand what's going on deep inside you, that which compels you to live your life this way.  You may need to look into love addiction.  It deals a lot with some of the feelings you're describing.  The need to be wanted, and not being able to spend one night alone... the desires to maintain different relationships with different people.  It could be something stemming from your childhood, or something that happened which triggered the desire to feel wanted by many people.  Maybe you're not comfortable with yourself, so you need to feel accepted by other people.  Examine the relationships with your parents, it has a lot to deal with your love life.. and the mates you choose. Do some research, I think you may be pleasantly suprised to see that you're not alone. Love addiction is pretty common these days, it goes along with love avoidance. 
 

I think what your doing is really very wrong and you know it is. Just because you've been doing this for a long time doesn't mean its too late to stop. It's not and you still have a chance to turn things around. I think the reason you think you love your trashy GF and that you miss her isn't because you love her or any of that. She's something new for you and she's a chase. And if you were to make the decision to stay with her you'd be making an extremely big mistake. You said yourself your wife is every mans dream, then keep her as your dream. Don't lose her, trust me you'll regret it more than anything and thats not a good feeling to live with. Make yourself a husband that all her friends would envy. Focus everything on her and be only hers. I think the first step you should take is to come clean. Tell her everything you've ever kept from her and tell her that the reason your telling her is because you want it to be just her from now on and thats all you want. She'll be very upset and may leave you, but if she loves you and has faith in you she'll come back and she'll stay with you and thats something you cannot ever take for granted. If you want her in your life you cant hurt her. She'll be giving you the attention you need so why go for other women as well? I suggest also marriage counselling and self help as well. You can do this and you can change and I think that's your best option. All lies come to an end and the life your living will get tangled up some day. What will you have then? Hold on to what you do have, your wife, and dont lose her.

Current situation...

I have told my wife about the trashy girlfriend. She is extremely upset but isn't leaving. I have explained my problem to her and she understands but is still very angry. I don't blame her. She couldn't believe I would ever mess with a girl like that. She really is bad news, but I did it anyway. I know I would be a fool to leave my wife for her. But, I do miss her, probably not for love, but for sex. I think? It has been a struggle for me. I deleted the girlfriend's contact info from my phone, email, etc. I have not answered calls from her, even though I wanted to. Now, I need to work on the other girlfriend. Also, I need to quit talking to other women. Its just not that easy...

Goooood!  I'm sure that was a very hard thing for you to do, but it's definitely worth it.  And you have an amazing wife, if she's being understanding and wants to work things out.  In this situation, I think you need to be more than understand of her point of view.  Try to imagine what she's feeling, how she's hurting and everything you can do to help her deal with this.  Honesty is the best thing, and it's going to take a while to regain your trust, but your marriage will be 100% better if you both are trying your hardest.  And the other girlfriend is bad news.  Imagine if your wife finds out... for me that would be the last straw. 

Tonight, I have ended all extramarital affairs. Not sure how long it will last, but this is a step in the right direction. Your right, my wife is a good woman and I am starting to appreciate that. Now, how long can I be good? This is really tough on me. It shouldn't be, but it is. I have been trying to focus on all the positives my marriage can bring. But, I also think about the affairs. I feel like there is something missing. But, I should be thankful for what I have not what I don't have. I don't want to lose my wife, but I am afraid that I will if I can't control this behavior. I feel good about ending the other relationships, but I also miss them. I have to fight those feelings and not go back. I appreciate everyone's input...

I'm glad you're making good, positive choices in your life right now.  But the good thing is, that now your wife knows and she can help you through this.  Remember: No more lying, make a good effort everyday to be the best husband in the world.  Because after all, that's exactly what she deserves.  And also be conscience of yourself and your triggers, try training yourself to think about something else when you start wanting to have another affair.  And be open to living a happy life with your wife, without making any extramarital relations an option. period! :)

C789 said: Tonight, I have ended all extramarital affairs. Not sure how long it will last, but this is a step in the right direction. Your right, my wife is a good woman and I am starting to appreciate that. Now, how long can I be good? This is really tough on me. It shouldn't be, but it is. I have been trying to focus on all the positives my marriage can bring. But, I also think about the affairs. I feel like there is something missing. But, I should be thankful for what I have not what I don't have. I don't want to lose my wife, but I am afraid that I will if I can't control this behavior. I feel good about ending the other relationships, but I also miss them. I have to fight those feelings and not go back. I appreciate everyone's input...

C789 dont think of it as "how long will this last", if you think of it that way then you could be clean for about 2 months and then think to your self, "hey I've been good for a while one breach wont hurt". And thats not right. This decision you made you should stick with forever. Also change your number so none of your ex's or anyone you had an affair with could contact you. Start fresh, and keep thinking of only your wife. She doesn't deserve this, no one deserves this. Keep thinking of ways you can make your wife happy and your self and dont include other girls in any of that! You are only for your wife and no body else.
BTW C, do you believe in God? I respect your beliefs either way,

First off, I am not religious.

11 days ago I got back with the trashy girl. But, I broke up with her a day later. It is very hard to resist temptation. But, I saw her that Friday for an hour and told her everything she wanted to hear. Then that Saturday I spent most of the day with her. But, I analyzed every action and every word she said. I realized that she had nothing to offer me but sex. Sex was great as usual, but the next morning all I wanted to do is take her home and drop her off. That is exactly what I did. Since then, I have resisted all attempts to want her back or her attempts to get me back. But, this has not been easy on me. I think about her all the time. But, I have no intentions of trying to get her back. She is definitely nothing but trouble. She has the potential to ruin everything for me. In the meantime, I did get back with the other girlfriend.

This is one hard addiction to quit. I have tried to focus on my wife, but I feel lonely, empty, and depressed. I wish I knew why and could make this all go away. Even with getting back with my girlfriend has not helped. Yes, I do know how wrong this is. I just wish I could be normal. I have recently also been seeing another girl, but nothing sexual. But, I am sure that will happen soon. I just cant resist the temptation...

It doesn't exactly sound like you want to completely give up these affairs 100%.  You had a relapse, but it's your choice whether or not you want to continue the behavior or not.  You already let it go on for so long, and then after all those years, what are you left with?  Once you start with that first phone call, or first day spent with another woman, the easier and easier it is to do it the next day and the next.  But you're going to have to recommit yourself to stopping the affairs and stick to your wife, or keep all these other women.  Did you tell your wife about the time you spent with TF, or about the other new girlfriend?  She's your family, and therefore your support.  I don't understand how you could do that to her.  I think you're searching for something, you may feel like you're missing something, and it's obviously not going to be found in extramarital affairs, so why are you still searching there?  Have you considered sex addicts anonymous? 

Honestly C, I think what your doing is completely terrible, selfish and wrong. I've been in a relationship where my significant other was getting involved with other relationships, sleeping around, and cheated on me with more girls than he could even remember. He would talk to me when he needed that emotional support knowing he has someone there who loves him and that is not just in it for the fun. And me being the ridiculously stupid, madly in love girlfriend gave him chances everytime. And I trully believe that he would change everytime, that those lies he'd tell me that he loved me and only me and would never go cheat on me again and he learned his lesson were all sincere. I regret all of that, I was an amazing girlfriend to him, completely faithful and I loved him more than anything in the whole world and cared about him more than anyone could. I regret all that now, I wish I would've left him from the first time. And that is how your wife is going to feel. I feel so ridiculous like the whole world is laughing at me because I was so in love with someone who hooked up with every girl, even my friends who knew how I felt about him. I feel played, betrayed and stupid. You'll never know how that feels and neither will he, but its the worst feeling in the world. And your purposly putting your wife through that and enjoying yourself as well. I  think what you need to do is go to a psychologist, and get help and commit to it even if its killing you, commit to it. this isn't like a normal addiction where your only harming yourself your harming every girl you get involved in as well. And from what I told you about what happened to me maybe that will show you how horrible that feeling is, I didn't deserve any of the things my ex put me through and neither does your wife. Either do that or live your life with all these girlfriends and leave your wife because she doesn't deserve this, she deserve someone so much better and you know she can have that at will! just not with you.