Since obsessive love addiction is fueled by fantasy, modifying your thoughts is the best way to get over an ex. To break the cycle, Schaeffer outlines the following steps to help people forget the past and focus on the future.

• Assess yourself for love addiction tendencies honestly. Some signs include obsessive thoughts about another person that interfere with your life and feelings of worthlessness or depression when not in a relationship

• Know healthy love exists and how to identify it.

• Be willing to face the pain letting go produces.

• Discover and address the underlying causes and psychological beliefs that support the compulsive/obsessive behavior. Ask yourself questions like, "What do I believe about relationships, love, and myself? Why might I fear closeness? Do I believe people will disappoint me or I will disappoint them?"

• Don't forget the past; utilize it. Acknowledge that you will move beyond any painful experiences and focus on future relationship success.

• Find a support group such as Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous or a therapist trained in love addiction to help you through this transition.

How do you stop yourself from talking to them? Thats what I have the biggest problem with!

xx_babygal_xx said:

• Don't forget the past; utilize it. Acknowledge that you will move beyond any painful experiences and focus on future relationship success.

    If the break up was your decision, bear in mind that thinking about all the good times you had may cause you to forget the reason for why you broke it off.  It's very common to overly romanticize the good parts of a relationship, convincing yourself that maybe the bad parts weren't so bad after all, maybe you could live with them. Or that maybe if your ex could know just how you feel, s/he wouldn't want to break up after all. Don't play this game with yourself. Accept the situation and move on. 
    Even if you and your ex have decided to stay friends, take a complete break from each other immediately after the breakup. That means no seeing each other, no phone calls, no e-mails, no Instant Messaging, and most importantly, no sex - not necessarily as a permanent measure (except where sex is concerned), but until you feel that you can converse with him/her like a normal person, without an ulterior motive (and yes, wanting to get back together counts as an ulterior motive).
     Think through everything thoroughly, but not obsessively. Go ahead and mull it over, as many times as necessary, within reason. Consider all the reasons you two broke up. Even if it seems there wasn't a good reason, there certainly was one - and probably more than one. Understand that you enjoyed one another for a while, but even though everything seemed okay to you, if the relationship was not what your partner wanted for life, it would have ended eventually, no matter what. In this case, better sooner than later.
     Deal with the hate phase. This is where you want to just scream because you are so angry, even furious. The amount of anger you feel all depends on how bad the split was, how it occurred (was there infidelity? That makes it worse), and how long it took to make the final break. There may be feelings of resentment at your ex for wasting your time. You may realize the breakup was inevitable (hindsight will reveal clues you failed to notice at the time). You may even feel like you hate yourself, but let go of that feeling fast! It's a waste of time to be hating and ripping yourself apart over something you no longer have the power to change.

Do you guys think its a good idea to find a rebound to get over the person?

I think dating other people after a break up is a good and bad thing.  It's a good way to get your mind off someone, but it won't help you get over the break up.  Jumping from one relationship to the next isn't healthy.  You're just avoiding the feelings than come after the break up and you'll never get over that person or the relationship.  But meeting new people is a good thing and if you do decide you're over your ex and ready for a new relationship, make sure you realize what went wrong in your previous relationship so that you don't wind up with the same type of person that was wrong for you. 

Giochi said:

xx_babygal_xx said:

• Don't forget the past; utilize it. Acknowledge that you will move beyond any painful experiences and focus on future relationship success.

   It's very common to overly romanticize the good parts of a relationship, convincing yourself that maybe the bad parts weren't so bad after all, maybe you could live with them. Or that maybe if your ex could know just how you feel, s/he wouldn't want to break up after all. Don't play this game with yourself. Accept the situation and move on. 
    Even if you and your ex have decided to stay friends, take a complete break from each other immediately after the breakup. That means no seeing each other, no phone calls, no e-mails, no Instant Messaging, and most importantly, no sex - not necessarily as a permanent measure (except where sex is concerned), but until you feel that you can converse with him/her like a normal person, without an ulterior motive (and yes, wanting to get back together counts as an ulterior motive).

This part really speaks to me..Very good advice. Thanks I needed to hear (well read) that!!

joannie34 said:

Giochi said:

xx_babygal_xx said:

• Don't forget the past; utilize it. Acknowledge that you will move beyond any painful experiences and focus on future relationship success.

   It's very common to overly romanticize the good parts of a relationship, convincing yourself that maybe the bad parts weren't so bad after all, maybe you could live with them. Or that maybe if your ex could know just how you feel, s/he wouldn't want to break up after all. Don't play this game with yourself. Accept the situation and move on. 
    Even if you and your ex have decided to stay friends, take a complete break from each other immediately after the breakup. That means no seeing each other, no phone calls, no e-mails, no Instant Messaging, and most importantly, no sex - not necessarily as a permanent measure (except where sex is concerned), but until you feel that you can converse with him/her like a normal person, without an ulterior motive (and yes, wanting to get back together counts as an ulterior motive).

Wow I do all this! except the sex part.. I'm bad at getting over an ex :-/

It took me a very long time to get over my ex.  I finally called a quits one day, kicked him out of my house and ignored all of his calls.  I started dating immediately after, but it was my way of not dealing with the break up.  Once the flings ended, I was finally able to deal with all of the post break-up issues.  This whole time, he was working on himself too.  He finally realized why I broke up with him, and realized what a selfish person he can be.  He hurt me a lot and I told myself, either lose myself completely for this person, or break it off and regain myself.  So that's what I did and I have no regrets.  I realized I was fine on my own, and the distance actually made us both stronger people in the end.  We are dating again, but we are both working on our issues, things in the past, and bettering ourself.  A relationship is about complimenting one another, and your feelings of happiness and worth shouldn't depend on them being with you or not.

Sometimes your just meant to be with a person. Even with all the ups and downs and horrible things that happen throughout the relationship. A break may make things all better as it did in your relationship Alessandra. But I what I don't know is how can you tell when its not meant to be? It's easy to just keep trying to worth things out over and over again but its the most difficult when you decide to give up and push all those feelings away.

In serious relationships, it's hard to really know if the decision to break things off or stick together was actually the right decision.  Even people in their 30s and 40s wonder about their high school sweethearts.  If it's your first real love, then I think you'll always have a place in your heart for them.  Especially when they're hurting or going through something, you want to be there for them.  I know for sure that, regarding me and my first boyfriend, we decided that we couldn't just be friends.  Since the first day we met each other, we had feelings for each other.  We've never just been friends.  So letting go, was letting go 100% like losing him forever. 

I know I can never be friends with my ex and I'm always going to want something more with her and have hope that there will be able to be something more and that it would be perfect. When in all reality our relationship was only perfect the first year and the rest of it was terrible. She's not the person I imagined her to be and although there's so many pro's to her there's twice as many cons. Sometimes I just want to call her up and tell her we should work everything out and just forget about everything but she put me through so much and I've given her so many chances that I know she's never going to change like she promised. And all those things she swore were all lies. I know I need to break off from her completely and so far I've gone 2 days and I'm hoping to continue and just be strong enough to get her out of my life and out of my head!!

A good way to get someone out of your head, is to train yourself to think of other things whenever they pop in your head.  Keep yourself busy with studying or reading, something that completely takes up your thoughts.  And another thing, is to remove many of the things that trigger you to think about them. 

I sent an email to my best friend telling him everything that happened with me and my ex and why I broke up with her. I didn't wait a few days I sent it right as it happened. I do love her and when I sit and think about her I get to urge to just get back with her. She's not right for me and never will be. I went back and read the email I sent my friend and it reminded me of all the reasons that I cant be with her and how no matter how much I try to convince myself it wont ever work. Just rereading my thoughts at the moment remind me why i cant be with her and keep me away from the thought of it. Maybe a person should write down all the reasons why they cant be together when they're angry because thats the most time that those reasons will all pop up. When a person is calm they're going to put all the negatives aside.

Well i am terrible i actually speak to my ex we had a baby together and we were still sleeping together even when i was seeing other people  till one afternoon I realised that he has issues and I have to move its hard but after reading the posts I realise I am not alone .and for the first time I have taken a break from relationships its a bit lonely but i realised that I have to deal with my issues before i can start a new relationship

 

the posts have been great advice for me thanx guys

cody said: I know I can never be friends with my ex and I'm always going to want something more with her and have hope that there will be able to be something more and that it would be perfect. When in all reality our relationship was only perfect the first year and the rest of it was terrible. She's not the person I imagined her to be and although there's so many pro's to her there's twice as many cons. Sometimes I just want to call her up and tell her we should work everything out and just forget about everything but she put me through so much and I've given her so many chances that I know she's never going to change like she promised. And all those things she swore were all lies. I know I need to break off from her completely and so far I've gone 2 days and I'm hoping to continue and just be strong enough to get her out of my life and out of my head!!

I think the same with Cody, if I was ever involved with somebody, I can never be a true friend with her even things ended in a good break up. Theres always something about someone who you were once involved with that I can't get over.

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