My names Jason Carter and I’m an addict. My clean and sober date is 11/22/05. You would think after you get clean and sober everything is a bowl full of cherries, but that is wrong. You still will have your ups and downs in life. For me, I’ve just learned how to deal with them. I know if I want my misery back all I have to do is take that one hit. It never fails to keep repeating the same mistakes. I did it for 15 years and it hasn’t done me one lick of good. When I think of all the people I hurt it make me wonder when I am going to get mine. Then I realize I got mine using. One day I’ll talk about some really positive people in my recovery. I need positive role models in my recovery. Talk to you soon.

I’ve had some pretty sad moments in my addiction. In the beginning of my addiction I let the drugs control my emotions, the more I used the more I felt sorry for myself.  One day I was high on pills and I was feeling sorry for myself really bad so I got this thought in my head that I didn’t want to live anymore. All I was doing was making everyone around me suffer because of my addiction. So I took over 50 valiums and whatever else I could find. After being in a comma for 2 or 3 day, I woke up yelling why didn’t you let me die? I fell out for another day or so. When I finally came around, I found out my sister found me in the house knocked out and called the ambulance. That’s the only thing that saved me from death. After another day or so they put me in a psyche hospital for help.

The crazy things I did in my addiction. There were times when I would flick my lighter so many times trying to hit the pipe; I would make my thumbs raw. It wouldn’t stop me. I would light a candle and use that for a light. There were times in my addiction that was a lot worse; I can remember when I had dope and a pipe but no lighter or candle. I would use a gas stove. This is how sick I was in my addiction even though the flame was burning my face and caching my hair on fire, I didn’t care I was lost in my thoughts of getting that next hit. I didn’t realize what I was doing to myself. I was chasing something that wasn’t there. I never realized it tell I got sober.

Can you imagine using a light bulb as a pipe to smoke meth? I can. Many times I did, when I only had enough money to buy the drugs. There were times in my addiction were I would stay up for 7-10 days at a time for one reason or another. I had no shame; there were points in my addiction when I was hoping I wouldn’t make it, because I couldn’t stop myself from using. What would you say to somebody like that?

I was about 19 years old, when I started getting caught up with the law. I remember getting busted for a controlled substance. I thought to myself, I’m finally going to get off this stuff, but before I could come down they released me. Before I knew it I was high again. Now with a warrant for my arrest for not showing up in court, I was on the run, little did I know at the time I was running from myself. Now I was running from dope house to dope house and my life just kept getting worse and worse by the moment. My addiction took a turn for the worse, I couldn’t get high smoking the meth anymore, and so one day someone offered to shoot me up, so I tried it. It gave me this rush I never felt before. It scared me, I liked it so much. Shortly after trying that, I got locked up for my second dope charge. You’re not going to believe this, they let me out again. This time I really didn’t want to get high, but I couldn’t stop myself. Once again I’m picking up the pipe and hitting again, my mind was sick. I was justifying getting high, I was telling myself at least I’m not shooting it up .So in my mind it was okay to get high. I knew I needed help, but my addiction kept me from asking.

You know how I was talking about the shoe being on the other foot? Well as I’m trying to give advice to my brother-in-law. I’m seeing what my sister is putting him through, and I can’t help but realize what I put people through. I feel like picking up that phone and calling everyone I’ve ever hurt in my addiction. This thing called addiction is that monster under your bed as a child your scared to death of. All you can do is hold on to that pillow and hope to God it doesn’t come out. As an addict you’re powerless over your addiction. Just like that nightmare in your mind you had as a child. Only you can overcome your addiction.

I realize when I was using methamphetamine all I could think about was how am I going to get more? It made me homeless. Every time I would walk around for days in the same clothes thinking the same thing over and over again, more, more and more. I couldn’t stop myself. I was scared of what my addiction was doing to me. I didn’t care. I realize I was a very insecure person and my addiction to drugs filled a void of unhappiness. I use to never be okay with myself, that’s why it was easy to keep using drugs and not care.  I use to live in the past and a lot in the future but now I live in today.