Has anybody told you how to live your life? It’s weird when that happens. How do you take that? What am I doing wrong with my life? Who the hell are you to tell me how to live my life? Then for a brief minute I realized I wasn’t being a father to my daughter, I was using money for food to get high, then I hit the pipe and the moment was gone like the hit in the wind. I still didn’t change the things I did. All I wanted was to drown my feelings in the drugs because of what I should be doing with my life and how I hate that person for making me realize what I’m doing wrong. Back in my addiction I needed someone to tell me how to live my life. Did I listen, was another story. Today I live my life one day at a time, yes I still make mistakes it’s part of being human; no one’s prefect. For me it’s good to make mistakes here and there, so I can learn. Today clean and sober no one tells me how to live my life.

Okay this is the deal; I’ve had plenty of counselor’s. One‘s that have never had an addiction to anything they care to admit anyway. Those are the ones that can’t really understand where addicts are coming from. You’ve ever had one of those? I sure have. They try to give you this book aspect of how to get clean and what it does to your brain. Like we don’t know what it does. Man I hate those kinds don’t get me wrong they can teach you the medical aspect of your addiction. Then there are one’s that have been an addict and know it all. They heard it all, done it all and on and on and so forth. I always got this feeling every time I opened my mouth, I was getting told how it is and my best thinking got me here. With this type of counselor I couldn’t win even when I was being sincere with him or her. Then there’s these kind. The one’s you swear are still using or haven't stopped yet. They tell you one thing one day and change it the next, and I thought I needed help. What’s really going on here? You know if you say anything to anybody else there going to think you're high and want to drug test you. They act like they want to help you one day and the next day they’re telling you you’re trying to pull a fast one on them. You see the big problem with a lot of counselor’s? I had to figure it out the hard way the problem wasn’t them, it was me. I blamed everything that happened in my life because of my addiction on everybody but me. So if you’ve felt this way at one point in time, stop take a deep breath and realize this isn’t there battle it’s yours.

There are things in life that we all hate doing. Some of those things are the things that will make you or break you or for an addict they may make you use. For myself today I still struggle over coming let downs, disappointments and the way I see things. The biggest one of all is fear of everything, being short on paying your bills, downing your job right, everything. I’m so use to saying "f" it and getting high, I’m sure as an addict we’ve all been there, but the same outcome happens every time. We lose our families go to jail, sell everything we own or lose it. It might not happen in that order, but close to that. Today I’ve found a new way to live no matter what I’m not going to get high. Even when there are things in life I don’t want to do. If you can’t do it on your own find a power greater than yourself. My power is God.

I was thinking do you remember when you were little and your parents or someone told you don’t do that, but you didn’t listen and you did it anyways? I can remember this one time when I was little about 7 or 8 and I went to stay with my dad because my parents were divorced. He lived up in the mountains. One day he went to work and told me not to go anywhere but, did I listen no I went and rode a snowmobile with my older brother anyways. Well boy did I get in trouble, when my dad got home he said I couldn’t go with them to the lodge and play pool. At the time that was pretty mean because that was the only thing to do up in the mountains, but that wasn’t the part that I learned the hard way from. When they (meaning my sister, my dad and step mom) left I got bored being a kid and all. I was looking at everything and getting into everything. Well I opened the wood stove and found my dad’s colt 45 in there. So I thought I would take it out and give it to him when he came home, but I feel asleep. My dad woke me up all drunk and started yelling at me, what are you going to shoot me? I’ll never forget that to this day, that was my lesson in learning the hard way. Today after having my own experience with addiction, I know that wasn’t my dad. We’re all good people fighting a disease that can kill use if not stopped. It goes back to you; you don’t realize what you do to others around you why you’re in your addiction. The change can start NOW!

Most of my feeling come from my heart, so it makes it pretty hard sometime to see the difference in things; for me, I really never learned from my mistakes until I got clean. Today, I see the difference in things. Who needs help, who wants help and who to love from a distance? Anybody can make a difference in someone’s life but it all depends on how you do it because it can affect them in a lot of ways. If you look at life today around you, you can tell the society we live in today is ran by emotions good and bad. The key lies within us.

Everyone changes, there’s no one left that’s real. I was pretty empty inside everything was pretty messed up. I spent many years lost in my addiction and that’s how I felt. Inside you want to stop but you don’t know how or where to begin, but you want more, please stop this living hell I’m in. Just take me out of this hell, I don’t want to do this anymore, but I still kept getting high and welcoming death. As I look inside deaths eyes, I would say come on. I realize today being clean I was sick, my addiction controlled my every emotion I had powerless, you really can’t understand the meaning of that word, until you’ve lived it. Have you been to a point in your life to where you’d rather die than keep going on? They say that 90% of people’s conversation have no meaning, is this one of those times?

I’m on my lunch break, so I thought I might do a quick blog. My boss made me realize something today that I need to work on. Change, change, change, and I don’t mean the change you put in a machine lol. I mean as an addict I’m scared of change, at work at home anywhere. It freaks me out. I like my comfort zone. I would have thought after two years of not using I would be use to change, but I’m not. I’m glad I can see things I need to work on; we all need progress in our lives. I know being close minded to things can hold you back in life.

For myself today, I still deal with the wreckage of my past. If it isn’t bill collectors or people still holding a grudges against me (see I can deal with all that), it’s the fact that I don’t get to see my daughter. I realize I can go to court and get my rights; I pay child support and insurance for my daughter. I’m scared of what the judge will say. “Well, Jason you have a pretty bad past and you’re on parole, what do you think I’m crazy to let this little girl go with you?” That’s all I keep thinking and telling myself over and over. I’m scared of the unknown, I think most addicts are. My father was never there for me. I do realize today it did affect me not having a father figure. With saying that I realize I have to overcome my fears so I can be a father for my daughter. I at least have to try to be there. I’m human; in life we make mistakes.

I’m a very insecure person. It was easy for me to hide behind drugs because when I was high I didn’t care at all. In my mind I was a 110lbs the toughest man on the block, really I looked like a skeleton. I ran from the way I felt about everything. The insecure thing was just a big lie to myself, so I could just get high. At the time I didn’t see that. I really couldn’t see much of anything.  In my addiction any reason to use was a good one. I didn’t understand why this was happening.   

One night I got woke up by a friend wanting to smoke crack cocaine. After smoking crack for a couple of hours it was all gone, but I still wanted more and in a bad way. I had no money to buy any so I sold my home stereo system to get some more. Before long I smoked through that to. Next went the TV, VCR, on and on until I only had the clothes on my back. My crack frenzy came to an end. I swore up and down I would never do crack cocaine again, I did.