There have been times in my addiction where I didn't eat anything for 4-6 days at a time. When I was on methamphetamines that’s one of the things it did to me, it also made me incoherent to reality. I wasn’t coming or going, I was just gone. I’m 5ft 9inch and I was about 110 pounds in my addiction. At times I thought I might die from not eating but I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t stop using, I was to gone on dope. I’d be a liar if even after two years of not using if I told you I didn’t think about using. That’s crazy I would still think at times it would ok to use here and there. That’s a disease, well I’m not for sure, but that’s what was shown in the rooms of N.A. It could be very well true but for today I don’t entertain the thought’s that pass through my head anymore. This is sad to say, but I would have sold my soul for drugs in my addiction. Today it still hurt me to realize drugs meant more to me then the family I have left. A counselor told me once writing my feelings down would help, I didn’t believe him. I do now. These blogs I do help me understand my own addiction and recovery better. So that counselor was right.   

I can remember times being homeless; when people would feel sorry for me for one reason or another and they would give me money. The look in their face could tell me a horror story. One could wonder what they really saw. Today, I get looks of gratefulness and I can see how impressed they are. It’s funny what things do or say in one’s life. I’m really tired right now but it’s not a worn out from drugs tired, it’s a hard day’s work tired and boy does it feel good to know I’m doing something right with myself. I would never think I would be where I’m at today two years ago. Life is quick to judge someone like myself, but that’s okay. One day I will be a very successful person regardless of my past or the way I look. Today, I’m proud of myself. A positive person brings positive outcomes.

I hear every day in the news and read in the paper, people dying from drugs. It makes me think, I could have been one of the people that died. For what? A high; that’s nuts. How can I help, what can I do?  The answer is nothing at all. That sucks, it really does. I can recall a couple of times in my addiction when I was trying to help others and give advise with their addiction, that’s even more nuts. Did I need help or even seek help? No, I had too much chemicals in my body to comprehend common sense in that direction. So going back to dying, God has a reason for me in life. What? I don’t know, but I can tell you this, I don’t have to live in fear of death or of using again, it’s my choice. I’m choosing my path in life today. I hope for the addict that still suffers they find God.

We all create our own path in life. I’ve been blessed with a great opportunity in my life today. I use to not appreciate opportunities. I would mess them up and that’s what I was use to doing. It wasn't always my drug addiction that did that. I think it had to do with not having experience in life. To be totally truthful, I even used my drug addiction as an excuse for a lot of things that had nothing to do with my life. Today, I’ve done a little growing up and I don’t use things for excuses, instead I make them learning experiences. I appreciate the little things that happen in my life and the big ones too. I live my life right today and for that God makes good things happen in my life, maybe not when I want them, but He does. Someone special to me would always email me, God is love. I really didn’t get it until a couple of minutes ago. Joy and happiness is what God makes me feel.    

Do you know what the first emotion 90% of the time people have is? It's fear, fear does a lot of things to us. Speaking for myself, it’s messed me up, but that’s because of my addiction to methamphetamines. That drug for me intensified it to the max. If you use too much at one time and are not use to that drug it will soon give you paranoia, then moving on to the hallucinations, once I get to this part in my addiction I always end up in handcuffs. I can remember one time I was in paranoia and hallucinating so bad at a gas station, thinking people wanted to get me that the gas station clerk called the cops on me. I ended up getting arrested. I couldn’t understand why if a drug made me feel like that, why would I keep doing it?  I could give a million explanations, but the truth behind all the explanations is I have an addictive personality. Control is not a word in my vocabulary, when it comes to things that make me alter my feelings or make me feel good about myself. With myself I have to watch things that I like with a grain of salt today.

I think today was one of those days. I’ve been trying to say hi to my daughter, but her mom hasn’t returned my phone calls. Finally, I got to say hi today and got emotionally kicked around. My daughter’s mom told my daughter to tell me they got a new home. I acted very happy for them, but inside I am really hurt. I want to be able to provide for my daughter as well but I have to start over because of my mistakes. I’m slowly but surely saving money up to get my own place, but it’s not happing over night like an addict like I think it should but it’s not. My daughter knows me, but not as good as she should, her mom doesn’t let me see her much, I know go to court, but I’m just trying to wait to do that when I get off of parole. Anyways my daughter said to me you’re my daddy right and that made me want to cry. I know she calls me daddy in the past, I’m thinking what is her mom telling her? All these crazy thoughts are running through my head. My little girl is only four, I’m telling myself over thinking this-she's a little girl, but I still feel hurt. I want to be able to be a father to her and a good provider for her I never had that in a father myself. I just have to be patient. Starting over in life is not easy, but with patients and good people in my life and most of all God, I will exceed.

Deep in my addiction I was crashed out on a buddy’s couch, instantly awoke by gun fire. My friends were shooting coke cans off the back of the couch I was sleeping on. I asked if anybody had dope and then passed out again. Waking a couple hours later to realizing I’ve been robbed by my so called friends. They got me high so I forgot all about being robbed. In this twisted mission of being on methamphetamines I would go from house to house getting high and hustling people to keep getting high. I wanted more, I didn’t care who I robbed. I had people pull guns on me and I wanted that drug more then I wanted my life; thank God they didn’t shoot me. Stopping wasn’t an option for me. You would think getting guns pulled on you and being robbed by your own friends would make you stop. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m hooked and I don’t want any help. That was one of the missions I was on in my addiction. Looking back at what I just typed makes me realize how crazy addiction is. Why did we do that to ourselves?

I’m having a hard time right now; my sister is going through it with her addiction. She went from having everything to living out of a bag. It hurts because I had to do it and I know what she is going through. I wish I could do something but we all know that we only can change ourselves. It’s crazy, it’s like having a little baby and it’s crying out for you, it's helpless, that is what I feel for my sister, the true meaning of powerless. When you’re at that point when one of two things can happen, it gets bad or worse .You feel sorry for yourself, that’s when you start dancing with the devil. I’ve given her my feelings, and let her know I’m here for her. Until she is ready, she will keep repeating her past over and over again. I will pray for her tonight, hope that God will give her strength.

There are people that do and there are people that don’t. I’ve always had great ideas in life but never really followed through with them. Does that sound familiar? It seems like addicts have some of the best ideas that can help the world. Make them millionaires, save lives. Just for today, I’m going to help someone in need. That will be my do for today. In my recovery I need to set little goals for myself. We all have faults, but we can change them; if we put forth the effort.

I get tripped out over people that haven’t had an addiction before. When they know what you’ve gone through, they make you feel like they look down at you. Like they're better then you are or something. Why do people insist on acting like that towards others? I’m an addict in recovery, that doesn’t mean I or you can’t have a good opinion about something. In our lives there will be someone that has given us an opportunity to change our life in one form or another. If we took that opportunity is a different story. It doesn’t matter if you’re an addict or not. We as people have all made bad choices in life. I’m teaching myself right now to realize that, not to make other people’s problems mine. I have to realize that it’s their problem if they think they’re better than me. I’m allowing myself to see the difference today. I can’t stand in the same position all my life. If I want to do something with my life I need to put one foot in front of the other one. There’s a saying, if you keep one foot in the past and one in the future you forget about today.